Honesty, Integrity, values in life

I have always wondered how children develop learning and notions about Integrity, honesty and other good human values in life. As a single mother of a hyperactive daughter, I have always struggled at how to make my child understand about these and make her live those values in life.

Would children learn these values by living in a good ambience (sajjanara Sangha, satsanga), would learning Shlokas etc help them learn, imbibe and live these good values in life or would listening to stories of individuals who lived these values make them learn about these? I really do not know and nor do I have any kind of data points to analyze and conclude on the best methods.

But one specific experience with another parent and her daughter has left a deep impression on me on what might help a child imbibe values in life. Let’s just call the mother ‘R’ and the daughter ‘V’ (This is to ensure that individual privacy is respected and that actual names are not quoted in the example)

It was a hot Saturday afternoon. My daughter had a singing competition to participate and she was at her best singing abilities having learnt the song well. She was nominated from her school along with two other children both of whom we can call ‘V’ as both had the same first name. We went to the competition venue, where we saw a sea of humanity - children from various schools queued for the registrations in the competitions, parents egging their children to do their best, kids singing and correcting last minute mistakes, younger siblings running around.

The competitions began and kids gave their best performance.  My daughter gave a great performance too. But the ‘artist’ in me could see easily that there were many other children who performed much better than her. Both ‘V’ and ‘V’ performed very well too.

After the competition round concluded, it was time for the valedictory function and the announcement of the results. The other child ‘V’ left earlier as her mother had some other commitments to keep. As a result, only my daughter, myself, ‘R’ and ‘V’ participated from my daughter’s school in the valedictory function.

As the prize winners’ names were being announced, I could see the slow change in the mood of the parents and the children. Most appeared to be disappointed at their children not having won a prize in the competition, a few were elated and proud that their children had won the prize. Yet others were consoling their children. 

My daughter did not win a prize in the competition. She was thoroughly disappointed and began to cry. I tried consoling her but to no avail. Then, came the announcement that ‘V’ had won the first prize in a particular category of singing. Both ‘V’ and ‘R’ were very happy, but I could sense the discomfort of the mother ‘R’. I tried to check what had happened. ‘R’ was concerned that the last name of the child was not clearly announced and she was not sure if the prize indeed was for her daughter or for the other child with the same name.

Having the tedious job of consoling my crying daughter, I casually remarked to her, to just forget it as it would disappoint her child if the prize was for somebody else. But ‘R’ was clearly determined. After the valedictory function, she walked up to the organizers with her daughter and enquired to get this confusion resolved. The organizers clarified that the prize was for the other ‘V’ with a different last name and not for R’s daughter.  What a disappointment for the little girl to give away the prize that she felt she had earned!

 I was expecting to see extreme emotions of crying and cursing from that child. But to my surprise, the child ‘V’ was smiling and her mother ‘R’, appeared relieved and peaceful. I could not contain myself – I asked her why she had to return the prize when anyway the other child wasn’t there nor was her parent there to assess and counter. What I heard from R left me baffled and had a deep impression on me – She said, “my daughter should only get what she deserves. Just because she will be disappointed today, I don’t want her to have something that she did not earn rightfully!”

Such deep words of wisdom from this young mother, and the child took this whole situation equally well. With her smiling face, she seemed to echo her mother’s words of wisdom. In fact, she was consoling my daughter – her classmate and urging her to do better in the competitions next time.

I kept thinking about this whole incident for quite some time on my way back home after the valedictory function. It dawned upon me, that for a child to understand, learn values in life, they must see these values being respected by their near and dear ones – more so, they must see their near and dear ones leading by example. That in my view is the best way a child imbibes and respects values!

I dedicate this blog to this young mother ‘R’, who is leading by example – May her tribe increase!